I’m sitting at the Conference on Ministry, the annual gathering of rostered leaders in this synod. Each fall we spend 2 days with other pastors and leaders, getting reconnected with colleagues and reflecting on this crazy work we are all doing.
This is the 6th COM from what I can tell. And it struck me as I rode onto the compound that 6 years of one event is pretty much the longest tradition I have ever had. I don’t think even Christmas growing up was consistent for 6 years in a row. That in itself is mind-boggling for me…I have been in one place and in one job long enough to go to a colleague event 6 times!!!
As I sat in the assembly hall and glanced around the room of leaders, something else struck me. I know these people. Maybe more amazing than that…I am known to these people. I remembered my first COM, where I walked in quietly as my pastor’s shadow. I stuck close to him and only spoke when spoken to. This year, more and more faces had stories connected to them. I attended a retreat with that person. I am on a committee with that person. Besides that, more than one person stopped me to greet me by name. As this reality settled in, I wanted to raise my hands and say, “Guys!!! Do you realize what this means? I am NOT a stranger in this group!!”
The third thing that is striking me this year is the different emotional place I am in this time. Two years ago I came to the COM feeling just about as empty as I have ever felt. Out of sheer desperation, I stopped at the table for Lutheran Counseling Services to ask about talking to someone. This led to one of many gut-wrenching, body-wracking, extremely painful and usually tear-filled conversations with a counselor as I gradually inched out of a sense of darkness and depression. Last year at the COM I was beginning to seriously consider a shift in my ministry, but was very confuzzled (yes…confuzzled) about it. Two people–one a retired pastor and one an intern–blessed me by each sitting down with me when I was sitting by myself, and drew me into conversations that were nourishing and encouraging in just the way I needed at the time. Those conversations were incredibly influential in giving me the inner courage to dream and ponder possibilities beyond what I could see at that time.
This year I am in a drastically different place. There are still plenty of unknowns swirling in my spirit. But I don’t feel threatened by them, and I glance around the room and realize that I am not without support in my ponderings and wonderings.
So here I sit–I’ve been in one place long enough to be here 6 times; I know people and people know me; and I have moved through the darkness and feel much more “in the light.”
As many good Lutherans would say…Thanks be to God.